Someday I'll Be a Real Boy
Monday, August 07, 2006

For the past four days I've had to be signed in and out of Check Point Bratwurst by Turtle. I can't go or do anything without her by my side, all because I don't have the proper paper work. And no, not even my passport and best 'hey you can trust me smile' will work. It’s not so bad, except when I want to go for a run, or eat while she's at work, or do anything while she's at work. I'm a shut in, shut out from doing anything. There's a whole new city out there waiting for me to smooze with. Waiting for me to have my way with it and I have to respectfully decline, to stay at home and wash my hair.

Well today that was all to end. We were to go the main site, fill out this form, fill out that form, wait in this line, wind up the small child whose mother is busy filling out said forms and send him rampaging down the hall to torment others. The amount of paper work and bureaucratic red bull tape you have to get through is comparable to... well nothing. The closest thing that I can think of is if you are one of those lucky people who have tried to enter college at the last minute. I mean the last possible minute where the second you arrive on campus you have your acceptance letter but nowhere to stay, no room, no classes, no financial aid, don't exist in the computer system, aren't even a blip on the bursars coffers. You have to have everything done that day because your girlfriend is waiting for you in the ninety degree heat with all your shit. Waiting to get everything in, so that she can get to her campus five hours away. And while we're at why don't we throw in the fact that you forgot to wear a belt your shorts falling exposing your Betty-Boop boxers causing you to fall face first into the one mud puddle on the otherwise arid campus. Its that kind of feeling.

There is the new bank account that you have to set up, since the German business only accept EFT from banks set up in Germany. That and THE Corp only allows paychecks to go to certain banks. To live in the German community, THE Corp mandates that you have to stand in line to take two courses to better understand how one is to live in Deutschland. These course teach you that, well, they speak German, they recycle, they drive fast, they have quiet hours, and they're, well, German. Once again it’s just like college orientation. Subject matters that don't really matter to you, but if you listened might be useful somewhere down the road.

First stop on the red-tape cruise was getting my ID. Yes, yes, yes, soon I will be a real boy. I will be somebody. I can live free again. I can live free after I get through these 30 other people here. These 30 other people who take about 15 minutes each to do their business. Ugh. I can wait though; it’s worth it, as all the posters say in these hallways Freedom isn't Free. True it cost you some grey hair and three hours of your time.

Finally my time has come, I go in with Turtle during her turn (all she has to do is update her ID) since technically I am her dependent. But not for much longer, the scissors are in my hands and I'm ready to cut the strings Gepetto. Just as I'm about to snip the wires, I'm asked "Do you have your social security card with you? "
"Um, no. But I can tell you the numbers. Hell I can tell them to you backwards. I've been reciting them since that hot August day when I started college."
"That wont do sir."
"But you have my license, my birth certificate, my passport, urine sample, my third grade report card, and the name of every pet I've ever had."
"My compliments on the A in geography, but we need you soc card to make this valid."
"Okay but you know I've been watching your television shows for the past four nights, nice porn after 11 by the way."
"Our troops deserve only the best."
"That they do, that they do. But you propaganda, I mean informative PSAs really hit home the idea of avoiding accidents and identity theft."
"Very important things to look out for."
"Exactly my point. Don't you think its, just between you and me, a bit foolish having all these important article of my life together at one time. Wouldn't it be easy to just become me if, oops, I dropped this here folder of mine."
"Yes it would."
"Then why do I need all this information on me?"
"Its regulations sir."

With that I am thrust into the world of THE Corp. Turtle still had to go through all the files and what have you today, with me by her side, only to know that tomorrow she would be doing it again. And tomorrow I have the chance again of meeting the Blue Fairy and getting my wish. Let's hope she exist for the sake of my departing sanity.

posted by Don Taylor @ 3:25 PM,

1 Comments:

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