I'm Ready for My Close Up Herr DeVille
Friday, September 08, 2006
There has been an interesting turn of events in the past fifteen minutes. I have been smiled at, which according to what I have been told by the natives is a big flirt, by some outrageously beautiful women, been interviewed by a television reporter inquiring if I think that we know all the information about 9/11… unexpected to say the least and the German version of the Church of Jesus Christ solicited me. Where to start? Lets go right past the women smiling at me, they probably just had gas and were attempting to suppress a belch. The 9/11 itinerant reporter.
Going out on Fridays in Wiesbaden is a show and half; street musicians, viral marketing, poor pathetic saps wearing costumes to peddle the wares of their business and roving reporters. I’ve seen the cameras around quite a bit and have wondered what they were posing. Well today they hit me. I try to speak my best German but eventually came words I couldn’t understand or elaborate on. Words like ‘cover-up’ and ‘theory’ and ‘explanation’, I had to fall back upon my standard “Meine Deutsch is nicht so gut.” Which is also my fall back when I don’t want what you are selling. Now today of course I was curious, I didn’t want to dissuade them, and it showed. It would happen that the cameraman spoke perfect English. They inquired in English. I answered in a mixture of German and English. “No I don’t think we know every thing, I think the administration is still withholding information from its citizens. I think it will be another 20 or so years before we find out the truth.” Pretty PC, I didn’t want to get too political in my German television debut. Its hard damn work being a heart throb. I plan to usurp the Kaiser Hasselhoff in the upcoming months and years as Germany’s favorite Amerikan.
Then a heartbeat later another group stops me and begins to blather about this and that. Two young men dressed in black pants, white shirts, black ties; the ensemble is the same here as it is in the States, Urban Missionaries. Bringing their message to masses of heathens living in the concrete jungles of civilizations. I immediately go into my tap dance routine and am expertly foiled. GodBoy one starts in, “American?” I reply yes, actually thinking for a moment to lapse into my high school French. He retorts, “I’m from Utah”.
“How about the Jazz”
“The who?”
“No the Jazz. The basketball team. You know StocktonMalone”
“I’m not into sports.”
“Sure you aren’t.” I can see where this is going as unmistakable as the gleem of silver in Judas’ hands.
“I’m into Jesus Christ.”
“And I’m sure he’s into you.” Thinking Christ loves you soooo much that I’m sure he’s got a poster of you over his bed.
“Have you accepted Christ into your heart?”
“Nope sorry no vacancies. It’s all booked up.”
“But Christ can fit into the smallest cracks, the tiniest holes and make you feel whole.”
“Do I look like I am missing pieces?” I ask searching my person for missing limbs.
“Not on the outside.”
I wanted to scream at him, “You’re wrong. I’m missing my foreskin. So there, can Christ return that?” But instead I stayed silent.
“Even if you don’t love him, he will love you.”
“Listen,” I chide, “I’m an agnostic.”
“You’re what?”
“Agnostic.”
“What is that?”
“You spread The WORD but you are ignorant to all other beliefs.”
“Is agnostic a new thing?”
“Aarrrgh. No Utah boy it means I think there might be a higher power, a superior being, but then again there might not. I want proof, physical, viable, irrefutable evidence of God’s existence. And no, you are not going to be able to do that today. No matter what you think. No matter how many charts or pictures you make for me. Unless a large Monty Python like hand comes down from the sky and thumps me, I will not be converted today. So thank you for your time. Enjoy the weather. Tschüs.”
“Wait do you know anyone who would be interested in our message?”
“You want me to help you in your crusade?”
“Yes, please. Do you know anyone?”
“Oh hell yeah” as the image of my old copywriter, Bitch-Ass-the-Flying-Squirrel materialized in my head. “You want her number? International rates will apply.”
Yes I am that evil.
posted by Don Taylor @ 4:24 PM,
