Does This Make Me Look Silly

Hey it’s been a while. How you’ve been? I see that the rash hasn’t cleared up. Actually, it’s beginning to resemble Vic Tayback. You should have that look at. Me? I feel like the right side of my body needs to be sanitized, refurbished and reinstalled. Other than that I think I should be wearing a big pretty Easter bonnet.

So much to talk about, but we have to make this brief the laundry is not going to do itself. You’ll probably read today, if it’s a slow news day in Iraq or if President Bush doesn’t replace Condoleezza Rice with his elementary school teacher, that the CEO of Deutsch Telekom, Germany’s Ma Bell, is stepping down today. And you guessed it, I’m taking over. That’s right, I’ve spent so much time calling them, visiting them face to face and just basically learning the intimate details of each of the personnel striving to get this damnable thing called the internet up and running, that when all systems were finally go those crazy Bavarians began to miss me and my eclectic American ways. The only solution that did not involve me completely losing my tact was to make me CEO. They tell me its more of a figurehead position where I wave a lot, smile here and there, and shrug my shoulders when the press ask me hard questions. I’ll take it, figure I can get a lot reading done and also they gave me this really nice sign with my name on it. It’s shiny.

You know what else is shiny? No not my nose, the makeup department won’t allow that -- the new place. Its spotless, clean and I rule it much like I will Deutsch Telekom. I have been devoting myself to reign as a benevolent monarch but be weary as I might lash out and have you quartered.

During my reign I have discovered three things: a newfound respect for my Mom and other mothers who gave up everything to maintain a home. There is only so many times you can dust the gewgaws you got in Tacoma before you want to smash them all to the ground and dance upon their bones in a jazzy two step. Its hard work, not physically but mentally. Its exhausting keeping your shit together, not allowing your family to come home to you wearing a penguin suit while masticating on the marrow of Doris, the perky next door Martha Stewart wannabe. Secondly, I can understand how Martha Stewart became a domineering control freak. When you stay at home all the time, especially after you have been someone who has been in a position of power, you need to control something. Anything. Anything but the monotony of the mundane, so you overcompensate and put a stranglehold on everything. I have not become that bad, I think, but I have noticed myself paying heed to things that I would never even cared about 6 months ago. Like, having the wrong knife for filet pork. “There is no fucking way I am using a Goddamn paring knife, would you ask Michelangelo to use a fucking shovel to sculpt with?”

Lastly people have asked me how the writing is coming along. I have some great ideas, some really funny dialogue, interesting characters and all in all a deep well of nothing. This last slice of life is the hardest to face. I have this fear of failure that I’ve been masking behind procrastinating for perfection. Saying I can’t start that, I have to do this and that and all other forms of bullshit to mask the dread of not being read. Everything needed to be perfect, but that is an escape that you can use forever since perfection is infinitely unobtainable. In the end I have to push forth and start something. I know that the housefrau gig is not all I want to do in life. I got this opportunity and I can’t fuck it up. I realize now I rather fail than wonder what if. So its time for me to stop watching German reruns of Alice and order up or shut up.

By the way since we’ve been talking I realize that your rash doesn’t so much resemble Vic Tayback as it does Gavin MacLeod. All aboard, it’s going to get bumpy.

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posted by Don Taylor @ 11:12 AM,

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